Learn your lines!
A Galaxy Far Far Away – May the Force be with you!
Rolling credits: Once
upon a time there was a group of fresh-faced young folks, eager to embrace the
wide world and all the glorious things in it and they had to leave behind all
the things they loved and the safety of their old lives and embark on a new
life in a huge new universe known as . . . SLSS – a star in the heavens that
grew larger and smaller, seemingly at will.
It literally pulsated with protonic energy!
(The scrolling stops.)
In Williams lounge:
Captain Steve: Well,
ensign, a number of new cadets are going to show up this morning for training
for the fleet. Are we ready for them?
Ensign Pullover: Aye,
aye, Captain. We have battened down the
hatches, done a deep cleaning of the two gyms and have rolled out the red
carpet!
Robot 6600 rolls in, speaking incomprehensibly.
Robot 6600:
Xlpploxmnely! Rham ibid
monnnignap!
Ensign Pullover:
Yes! The doughnuts and the Xnard
cola have been prepared!
Robot 6600:
Aemintoid! Dsoiaenkdt! Eaoisdjjdaf
Woiadnt iot!
Ensign Pullover:
No! It can’t be.
Captain Steve: What,
Ensign?
Ensign: The doughnuts
and the cola we prepared for the new recruits has been devoured by the evil
Kardashian empire. They sneaked in while
we weren’t watching. While we were all
working on the deep cleaning.
Captain Steve: Take Marwigo, the waitress droid, and a Starfighter
and go to Guidoni’s diner on Corescant to see if you can get some replacements!
Ensign: Marwigo! Come with me.
(The droid gets into the ship with Ensign Pullover and off they speed to
FOODS!)
They speed through the halls, dodging a variety of
extraterrestrial beings on their way.
Marwigo: Ensign
Pullover, we’re having trouble with the engine.
Better stop off here at Galandium’s
Fantastic Technology Shop and see if we can get some pickup in our
packup!
(They stop at the CAD lab.)
Ensign Pullover:
Mardig! Merex! Our get up and go just got up and left.
(Mardig and Merex come out of the auto shop. They are speaking Galandium and only Marwigo
understands them.)
Marwigo: They say we
need more plutonianix farstonine!
Ensign Pullover: Our
cred is good.
(Mardig and Merex talk between each other.)
Marwigo: They want me
to stay in case you try to welch on your debt.
Ensign Pullover: A
hostage? I don’t like the sound of that.
Musicians stroll by, playing a magical tune.
Marwigo: How about
the sound of THAT?
Ensign Pullover: When
I hear that, I’m liable to do ANYTHING!
Everyone visible breaks into wild dancing. The musicians wander off, and everything goes
back to normal.
Ensign Pullover:
Well, that certainly cleared the air.
I’ll pick you up on the South Side, Marwigo!
Marwigo: What about
the hostage problem?
Ensign Pullover: I
trust them. (He speeds off.)
He hurtles through the halls, barely missing many planets
and aliens by the slightest of margins.
Ensign Pullover: The
traffic is terrible! Never travel during
rush hour! Maybe I’ll take this little
known alternative route! (He swerves off
the beaten track and finds himself in a pristine forest with birds chirping.)
Ensign Pullover: Now
this is more like it.
A beautiful woman floats out into view.
Leia: Ah, Ensign
Pullover. It appears you are lost.
Ensign Pullover:
(stammering) N . . . n. . . no. N
. . . n . . . not at all. I just wanted
to take this little known alternative route to Guidoni’s diner. It’s so beautiful here.
Leia: I am Leia. Why don’t you lie down in the soft grass and
rest your weary bones?
Ensign Pullover:
(yawning) I do feel sleepy.
Leia: Of course, you
do. You work so hard. You need to rest.
(Strange music starts to play. Other beings, dressed like Leia, emerge,
singing softly. They begin to speak in
unison.)
Beings: Oh what can
ail thee, knight-at-arms,
Alone and palely loitering . . .
The sedge is withered from the lake
And no birds sing.
Ensign Pullover: It’s
the pale of poetry. I’ve heard of it ---
Leia: Don’t worry
your mind about the pale of poetry. Just
lie down and rest.
Ensign Pullover:
No! You’re trying to cast a spell
on me! You’re trying to lead me away
from my mission.
Leia: What is your
mission, silly humanoid?
Ensign Pullover: I
must visit Guidoni’s diner and acquire delicious cola and Shark-size doughnuts
for the new recruits!
Leia: You’ll need no
recruits here – we will just rest and sleep and dream our lives away. No worries!
No stress! Just pure indulgence!
Marwigo: (running
in) Ensign Pullover! La Belle Dame Avec Procrastination Hath Thee
In Thrall!
Leia: Leave him! He is ours!
Marwigo slashes her with her sword.
Marwigo: Get in the
Starfighter, Pullover! I’m rescuing you!
Ensign Pullover:
(staggering) Where did you come
from, Marwigo?
Marwigo: We heard the
singing. Unlike any Shark choir you’d
ever hear! Menacing, evil. Even Mardig and Merex knew I had to save you
or they’d never get paid! (They speed
away.)
Ensign Pullover: That
was a close call, Marwigo. Thanks for
the rescue.
Marwigo: No
problem. Let’s get back to brass tacks.
Scene 2: in the
library
Librarian
Kardashian: That idiotic crewman from the SLYSS empire is running
roughshod over the galaxy. They must be stopped. They don't
appreciate that we rule this part of the universe. I have a plan.
Kringe
Kardashian: What is it, esteemed Librarian Kardashian?
LK:
They are using a starship to try to acquire more Xnard Cola and
Shark-sized doughnuts for their recruitment drive! The weasel, Pullover,
and the droid. But here, we have all the knowledge of the universe --
gathered in these volumes and devices! The brains of the entire universe!
(LK laughs.)
Kringe:
But what is your plan?
LK:
(thinking) We must use this knowledge! (thinking more) . . .
but . . . how?
Kringe
Kardashian: Why don't I try this ancient computer? (Kringe types
into the computer.) How do we foil the weasel, Pullover and the droid?
(They both
read what the computer says.)
LK:
That's it! There's the plan.
KK: We
have them, Librarian Kardashian. Right where we want them!
EP and MW fly through the halls, looking a little worn out.
EP: Ah, thank the force we made it
through that asteroid belt! We can finally make our way to the Great Guidonian
System!
EP knocks on the door to the Home Ec lab, "Ms G" answers.
MsG: Well met, General Ensign! What
would you require of me?
EP: Greetings ma'am, we require an
order of galactic cola and doughnuts for our new crew.
MsG: While I would love to help, my
specialized machinery has run out of fuel! Without it, I cannot do much of anything.
If only I had some hydrochloric acid, lithium, and acetone...
MW: Beep! Scan complete! The
nearest source of these materials resides in the Lowian sector.
EP: Works for me! Let’s go.
Cut to the team parking their ship by ML’s room. They enter, EP putting
their best “persuasion/charming face” on. MW is positioned between EP and ML.
EP: Hey there.
ML: ...Hey.
EP: What would it cost for me to
walk out of here with some lithium and the works?
ML: Your life and/or freedom.
Stuff’s not for sale. Authorized personnel only.
During the conversation, MW sees a blueprint of the station lying
around. She steals it and stashes it away.
EP: Hmmm… And you’re sure that
there’s nothing I can do that’ll convince you?
ML: Well... You can start by
getting out of here and not wasting my time. It’s not happening.
Party leaves, EP sighs.
EP: Well, now what?
MW: Pulls out blueprints The nearest unguarded entrance is 50 meters
away. Raises hand for a high five, EP
runs past, failing the high five. MW looks sad.
Cut to inside the science lab
MW: We’ve managed to avoid tripping
the alarms!
EP: Shhhhhhh! We’re not in the
clear just yet!
Points to the side, where LG is patrolling the area.
I’ll go on ahead, you make sure our
exit stays clear.
Sneak Plan: https://docs.google.com/drawings/d/19snKuNxYp4J6IOYzlg9BZdHyZxewgROmiX4UWOrX1TE/edit?usp=sharing
EP sneaks to point on plan but makes noise, causing LG to move to point
LG: Is somebody there?
MW sneaks to point and makes a sparking noise, distracting LG
LG: Huh? What was that noise?
EP snatches the chemicals and sneaks out with MW
Next scene:
Legends Gym:
EP: Not bad. I am . . . a good captain. Don’t you agree?
MW:
It’s so simple. Don’t flatter
yourself. (Silence.) You know, I think you need counselling.
EP:
Absolutely not. I’m fine. I’m just excited. I think YOU need reprogramming.
(They exit the gym.)
MW:
Counselling!
EP:
No!
MW:
It will help you.
EP:
Stop it. Or else . . . you know
what I can do!
MW:
Oh yeah. Wait till I call Captain Steve.
EP:
Uh huh. Try it, if you dare.
(They have Drake and Josh fight.)
Scene: Counsellor’s office. The counsellor comes out of her office.
Counsellor: Customers!
YES! My resume will look good
now!
She rushes to the vehicle, opens
the door and pulls EP and MW out. She
takes a selfie with them.
Counsellor: Selfie!
You know? For my boss?
Ensign: What’s going on here?
Counsellor: You must be a droid. You sound weird. I think you need reprogramming. (She seats him and puts a bucket over his
head.)
EP:
I’m not a droid! (MW laughs.)
Counsellor: How can I help you, sir? Let me guess, Counselling? You came to the right place. Come on.
Come on in. (She leads MW to her
office.)
MW:
Miss. I am a droid. (She points at EP, who is strapped in a
chair.) He’s a human.
Counsellor: I think you are suffering from a
mental-droidsiose complex. Let me assign
you some medicine. Stop being so
stubborn! Take the medicine! It’s good.
Good for my portfolio.
MW runs out of the office. The counsellor follows. MW unstraps EP. They escape.
EP:
Thank you. Now, let’s make a run
for it.
Counsellor: Please do not leave. (She runs after the ship.) My portfolio!
MW and EP enter the Shark
Tank.
EP:
Wow! What was that? I told you I do not need counselling.
MW:
Agree. I take it back. Strange, huh?
(An asteroid flies over the
spaceship.)
EP:
Whoa! What was that?
Liam: I’m afraid your little trip ends here.
Gene: That’s right.
No one comes to the SHARK TANK.
Liam: Attack!
Gene, prepare the dodgeball and start the attack.
Gene: Definitely.
It’s for our boss!
(Asteroid attack.)
Spacenosaur: Can’t you guys ever accomplish anything? What a disappointment!
End this now! (Hits MW with dodgeball.)
EP:
Get out of my way! Marwigo, wake
up.
MW wakes up. She throws a dodgeball at spacenosaur. It falls over and Liam and Gene start running
toward it.)
EP:
I’m leaving, Marwigo. Good luck!
MW:
Oh shoot!
At cafeteria.
EP:
It’s a disaster! Everything is a
nightmare. I can’t stand it.
Cafeteria person: Here, young man. Have this.
EP:
What it it?
CP:
Don’t worry. Trust me. Just take a bite.
EP:
(taking a bite) MMMM. This is great. I feel sort of . . . better. Like . . . zen.
CP:
You aren’t you when you’re hungry.
EP:
Words to live by. Give me a bag
of these things. Thanks. (He leaves.)
CP:
Vaya con dios, Snickers-boy!
Back to gym.
Spacenosaur: Minions,
get me up! Where is that weasel
who hit me? (MW hits it with a dodgeball
and they fight with Liam and Gene backing the spacenosaur up.)
EP:
Everyone! Stop fighting! It’s senseless.
MW:
WHY?
EP: (giving everyone a Snickers bar) Here.
Take this.
Spacenosaur: (eats)
MMM. Minions. Let’s dance.
Liam: Why, boss?
Gene: Fewer questions, more dancing. Come on, Liam.
They all start dancing.
EP:
Let’s go. We have work to do.
Final scene:
E. P and Marwigo arrive at Guidoni’s Diner.
Guidoni: You’re back
so soon?
E.P. We’ve got the
stuff – how soon can we cook up the cola?
Guidoni: Show me the
goods.
(Marwigo gives her the chemicals.)
Marwigo:
Careful. They’re volatile.
Guidoni: I’ve been
cooking up cola for five millennia. I
think I know what I’m doing. (She looks
at the chemicals.) Shouldn’t take me
long – come back in an eon.
(Close-up of large clock.)
E.P. and Marwigo arrive.
E.P.: Well?
Marwigo: We don’t have
all day.
Guidoni: I thought
droids were supposed to be polite.
Marwigo: Sorry. But the matter is urgent.
Guidoni: I cooked up
the coke for you. Have a taste.
E.P. (tastes, spits
it out) It’s warm. It’s salty.
It’s . . . great! (Marwigo and he
speed off, with Marwigo shouting, “Thanks”, over her shoulder).
They arrive at the theatre.
E.P. All we have to
do is find Captain Steve and let him know that we’ve got the goods and can
welcome the new recruits in true SLYSS fashion.
Marwigo: Sharks rule!
E.P. Exactly. We can set up the buffet in the Galantine
Theatre.
(They enter the theatre.
Librarian Cardassian is sitting in the middle of the seats.)
LC: At last! I’ve been waiting for you for so long!
E.P. Who are you?
Marwigo: Where is
Captain Steve?
LC: (Laughing) I am Captain Steve, now! The universe is mine!
Marwigo: What have
you done with Captain Steve?
LC: I have absorbed
him into the Cardassian life force. He
is no more! (He stands and Kringe
emerges from the audience.) And soon,
you will join him. Put down the cola,
you republican dogs!
E.P. Never!
Marwigo and E.P. take out their weapons and attack – Marwigo
chases Kringe out of the theatre. E.P.
and LC have an epic light sabre battle, which E.P. wins!
LC: No! My evil beauty cannot be defeated.
E.P. No? Watch this!
(He sprinkles a bit of the cola on LC!)
LC: Oh no! I’m melting!
I’m melting! (Captain Steve
emerges from the mess.)
Captain Steve: Well,
that was quite an . . . adventure. Is my
uniform stained?
E.P. No, Captain
Steve. You look great.
(Marwigo enters.)
Marwigo: I have taken
care of the evil henchman.
E.P. And here is
Captain Steve, safe and sound.
Marwigo: We were
worried about you, Captain Steve.
Captain Steve: No need
to worry, Droid. Here at SLYSS, the good
will always win in the end.
Robot 6600: Xnard
allop dromigda insternationaltion!
Marwigo: They’re
here? Already?
Robot 6600:
Imperest! Onputtafilchina!
Captain Steve:
Excellent. Do we have the cola? The doughnuts?
E.P. We do, Captain
Steve.
Marwigo:
(whispering) Did we get the
doughnuts, Ensign Pullover?
E.P.
(whispering) SHH!
Captain Steve:
Welcome our new recruits! Open
the doors and let them in. They will be
given the keys to the kingdom as we were when we were recruits.
E.P. So long ago,
Captain Steve.
Captain Steve:
Together now! Our rallying
cry! Care and respect!
E.P. Care and
respect!
Marwigo: Care and
respect!
Robot 6600:
Kindarkening ik roosenpilchet!
Captain Steve: (laughing)
Well done, 6600!
