A Galaxy Not So Far Away - script

 Learn your lines!

A Galaxy Far Far Away – May the Force be with you!

 

Rolling credits:  Once upon a time there was a group of fresh-faced young folks, eager to embrace the wide world and all the glorious things in it and they had to leave behind all the things they loved and the safety of their old lives and embark on a new life in a huge new universe known as . . . SLSS – a star in the heavens that grew larger and smaller, seemingly at will.  It literally pulsated with protonic energy!

 

(The scrolling stops.)

 

In Williams lounge: 

 

Captain Steve:  Well, ensign, a number of new cadets are going to show up this morning for training for the fleet.  Are we ready for them?

 

Ensign Pullover:  Aye, aye, Captain.  We have battened down the hatches, done a deep cleaning of the two gyms and have rolled out the red carpet! 

 

Robot 6600 rolls in, speaking incomprehensibly. 

 

Robot 6600:  Xlpploxmnely!  Rham ibid monnnignap!

 

Ensign Pullover:  Yes!  The doughnuts and the Xnard cola have been prepared!

 

Robot 6600:  Aemintoid!  Dsoiaenkdt!  Eaoisdjjdaf  Woiadnt  iot!

 

Ensign Pullover:  No!  It can’t be.

 

Captain Steve:  What, Ensign?

 

Ensign:  The doughnuts and the cola we prepared for the new recruits has been devoured by the evil Kardashian empire.  They sneaked in while we weren’t watching.  While we were all working on the deep cleaning.

 

Captain Steve:  Take  Marwigo, the waitress droid, and a Starfighter and go to Guidoni’s diner on Corescant to see if you can get some replacements!

 

Ensign:  Marwigo!  Come with me.  (The droid gets into the ship with Ensign Pullover and off they speed to FOODS!)

 

They speed through the halls, dodging a variety of extraterrestrial beings on their way.

 

Marwigo:  Ensign Pullover, we’re having trouble with the engine.  Better stop off here at Galandium’s  Fantastic Technology Shop and see if we can get some pickup in our packup!

(They stop at the CAD lab.)

 

Ensign Pullover:  Mardig!  Merex!  Our get up and go just got up and left.

 

(Mardig and Merex come out of the auto shop.  They are speaking Galandium and only Marwigo understands them.)

 

Marwigo:  They say we need more plutonianix farstonine!

 

Ensign Pullover:  Our cred is good.

 

(Mardig and Merex talk between each other.)

 

Marwigo:  They want me to stay in case you try to welch on your debt.

 

Ensign Pullover:  A hostage?  I don’t like the sound of that.

 

Musicians stroll by, playing a magical tune. 

 

Marwigo:  How about the sound of THAT?

 

Ensign Pullover:  When I hear that, I’m liable to do ANYTHING!

 

Everyone visible breaks into wild dancing.  The musicians wander off, and everything goes back to normal.

 

Ensign Pullover:  Well, that certainly cleared the air.  I’ll pick you up on the South Side, Marwigo!

 

Marwigo:  What about the hostage problem?

 

Ensign Pullover:  I trust them.  (He speeds off.)

 

He hurtles through the halls, barely missing many planets and aliens by the slightest of margins.

 

Ensign Pullover:  The traffic is terrible!  Never travel during rush hour!  Maybe I’ll take this little known alternative route!  (He swerves off the beaten track and finds himself in a pristine forest with birds chirping.)

 

Ensign Pullover:  Now this is more like it.

 

A beautiful woman floats out into view. 

 

Leia:  Ah, Ensign Pullover.  It appears you are lost.

 

Ensign Pullover:  (stammering)  N . . . n. . .  no.  N . . . n . . . not at all.  I just wanted to take this little known alternative route to Guidoni’s diner.  It’s so beautiful here.

 

Leia:  I am Leia.  Why don’t you lie down in the soft grass and rest your weary bones?

 

Ensign Pullover:  (yawning)  I do feel sleepy.

 

Leia:  Of course, you do.  You work so hard.  You need to rest.

 

(Strange music starts to play.  Other beings, dressed like Leia, emerge, singing softly.  They begin to speak in unison.)

 

Beings:  Oh what can ail thee, knight-at-arms,

Alone and palely loitering . . .

The sedge is withered from the lake

And no birds sing.

 

Ensign Pullover:  It’s the pale of poetry.  I’ve heard of it ---

 

Leia:  Don’t worry your mind about the pale of poetry.  Just lie down and rest.

 

Ensign Pullover:  No!  You’re trying to cast a spell on me!  You’re trying to lead me away from my mission.

 

Leia:  What is your mission, silly humanoid?

 

Ensign Pullover:  I must visit Guidoni’s diner and acquire delicious cola and Shark-size doughnuts for the new recruits!

 

Leia:  You’ll need no recruits here – we will just rest and sleep and dream our lives away.  No worries!  No stress!  Just pure indulgence!

 

Marwigo:  (running in)  Ensign Pullover!  La Belle Dame Avec Procrastination Hath Thee In Thrall!

 

Leia:  Leave him!  He is ours!

 

Marwigo slashes her with her sword. 

 

Marwigo:  Get in the Starfighter, Pullover!  I’m rescuing you!

 

Ensign Pullover:  (staggering)  Where did you come from, Marwigo?

 

Marwigo:  We heard the singing.  Unlike any Shark choir you’d ever hear!  Menacing, evil.  Even Mardig and Merex knew I had to save you or they’d never get paid!  (They speed away.)

 

Ensign Pullover:  That was a close call, Marwigo.  Thanks for the rescue.

 

Marwigo:  No problem.  Let’s get back to brass tacks.

 

Scene 2:  in the library

Librarian Kardashian:  That idiotic crewman from the SLYSS empire is running roughshod over the galaxy.  They must be stopped.  They don't appreciate that we rule this part of the universe.  I have a plan.

Kringe Kardashian:  What is it, esteemed Librarian Kardashian?

LK:  They are using a starship to try to acquire more Xnard Cola and Shark-sized doughnuts for their recruitment drive!  The weasel, Pullover, and the droid.  But here, we have all the knowledge of the universe -- gathered in these volumes and devices!  The brains of the entire universe!  (LK laughs.)

Kringe:  But what is your plan?

LK:  (thinking)  We must use this knowledge!  (thinking more) . . . but . . . how?

Kringe Kardashian:  Why don't I try this ancient computer?  (Kringe types into the computer.)  How do we foil the weasel, Pullover and the droid?

(They both read what the computer says.)

LK:  That's it!  There's the plan.

KK:  We have them, Librarian Kardashian.  Right where we want them!

 

 

 

 

 

EP and MW fly through the halls, looking a little worn out.

 

EP: Ah, thank the force we made it through that asteroid belt! We can finally make our way to the Great Guidonian System!

 

EP knocks on the door to the Home Ec lab, "Ms G" answers.

 

MsG: Well met, General Ensign! What would you require of me?

 

EP: Greetings ma'am, we require an order of galactic cola and doughnuts for our new crew.

 

MsG: While I would love to help, my specialized machinery has run out of fuel! Without it, I cannot do much of anything. If only I had some hydrochloric acid, lithium, and acetone...

 

MW: Beep! Scan complete! The nearest source of these materials resides in the Lowian sector.

 

EP: Works for me! Let’s go.

 

 

Cut to the team parking their ship by ML’s room. They enter, EP putting their best “persuasion/charming face” on. MW is positioned between EP and ML.

 

EP: Hey there.

 

ML: ...Hey.

 

EP: What would it cost for me to walk out of here with some lithium and the works?

 

ML: Your life and/or freedom. Stuff’s not for sale. Authorized personnel only.

 

During the conversation, MW sees a blueprint of the station lying around. She steals it and stashes it away.

 

EP: Hmmm… And you’re sure that there’s nothing I can do that’ll convince you?

 

ML: Well... You can start by getting out of here and not wasting my time. It’s not happening.

 

Party leaves, EP sighs.

 

EP: Well, now what?

 

MW: Pulls out blueprints The nearest unguarded entrance is 50 meters away. Raises hand for a high five, EP runs past, failing the high five. MW looks sad.

 

Cut to inside the science lab

 

 

MW: We’ve managed to avoid tripping the alarms!

 

EP: Shhhhhhh! We’re not in the clear just yet!

Points to the side, where LG is patrolling the area.

I’ll go on ahead, you make sure our exit stays clear.

 

Sneak Plan: https://docs.google.com/drawings/d/19snKuNxYp4J6IOYzlg9BZdHyZxewgROmiX4UWOrX1TE/edit?usp=sharing

 

EP sneaks to point on plan but makes noise, causing LG to move to point

 

LG: Is somebody there?

 

MW sneaks to point and makes a sparking noise, distracting LG

 

LG: Huh? What was that noise?

 

EP snatches the chemicals and sneaks out with MW

 

Next scene:

 

Legends Gym:

 

EP:  Not bad.  I am . . . a good captain.  Don’t you agree?

 

MW:  It’s so simple.  Don’t flatter yourself.  (Silence.)  You know, I think you need counselling.

 

EP:  Absolutely not.  I’m fine.  I’m just excited.  I think YOU need reprogramming.

 

(They exit the gym.)

 

MW:  Counselling!

 

EP:  No!

 

MW:  It will help you.

 

EP:  Stop it.  Or else . . . you know what I can do!

 

MW:  Oh  yeah.  Wait till I call Captain Steve.

 

EP:  Uh huh.  Try it, if you dare.

 

(They have Drake and Josh fight.)

 

Scene:  Counsellor’s office.  The counsellor comes out of her office.

 

Counsellor:  Customers!  YES!  My resume will look good now!

 

She rushes to the vehicle, opens the door and pulls EP and MW out.  She takes a selfie with them.

 

Counsellor:  Selfie!  You know?  For my boss?

 

Ensign:  What’s going on  here?

 

Counsellor:  You must be a droid.  You sound weird.  I think you need reprogramming.  (She seats him and puts a bucket over his head.)

 

EP:  I’m not a droid!  (MW laughs.)

 

Counsellor:  How can I help you, sir?  Let me guess, Counselling?  You came to the right place.  Come on.  Come on in.  (She leads MW to her office.)

 

MW:  Miss.  I am a droid.  (She points at EP, who is strapped in a chair.)  He’s a human.

 

Counsellor:  I think you are suffering from a mental-droidsiose complex.  Let me assign you some medicine.  Stop being so stubborn!  Take the medicine!  It’s good.   Good for my portfolio. 

 

MW runs out of the office.  The counsellor follows.  MW unstraps EP.  They escape.

 

EP:  Thank you.  Now, let’s make a run for it.

 

Counsellor:  Please do not leave.  (She runs after the ship.)  My portfolio!

 

MW and EP enter the Shark Tank. 

 

EP:  Wow!  What was that?  I told you I do not need counselling.

 

MW:  Agree.  I take it back.  Strange, huh?

 

(An asteroid flies over the spaceship.) 

 

EP:  Whoa! What was that?

 

Liam:  I’m afraid your little trip ends here.

 

Gene:  That’s right.  No one comes to the SHARK TANK.

 

Liam:  Attack!  Gene, prepare the dodgeball and start the attack. 

 

Gene:  Definitely.  It’s for our boss!

 

(Asteroid attack.)

 

Spacenosaur:  Can’t you guys ever accomplish anything?  What a disappointment!

End this now!  (Hits MW with dodgeball.)

 

EP:  Get out of my way!  Marwigo, wake up.

 

MW wakes up.  She throws a dodgeball at spacenosaur.  It falls over and Liam and Gene start running toward it.)

 

EP:  I’m leaving, Marwigo.  Good luck!

 

MW:  Oh shoot!

 

At cafeteria.

 

EP:  It’s a disaster!  Everything is a nightmare.  I can’t stand it.

 

Cafeteria person:  Here, young man.  Have this.

 

EP:  What it it?

 

CP:  Don’t worry.  Trust me.  Just take a bite.

 

EP:  (taking a bite)  MMMM.  This is great.  I feel sort of . . . better.  Like . . . zen.

 

CP:  You aren’t you when you’re hungry.

 

EP:  Words to live by.  Give me a bag of these things.  Thanks.  (He leaves.)

 

CP:  Vaya con dios, Snickers-boy!

 

Back to gym.

 

Spacenosaur:  Minions,  get me up!  Where is that weasel who hit me?  (MW hits it with a dodgeball and they fight with Liam and Gene backing the spacenosaur up.)

 

EP:  Everyone!  Stop fighting!  It’s senseless.

 

MW:  WHY?

 

EP:   (giving everyone a Snickers bar)  Here.  Take this.

 

Spacenosaur:  (eats)  MMM.  Minions.  Let’s dance.

 

Liam:  Why, boss?

 

Gene:  Fewer questions, more dancing.  Come on, Liam.

 

They all start dancing.

 

EP:  Let’s go.  We have work to do.

 

 

Final scene:

 

E. P and Marwigo arrive at Guidoni’s Diner.

 

Guidoni:  You’re back so soon?

 

E.P.  We’ve got the stuff – how soon can we cook up the cola?

 

Guidoni:  Show me the goods.

 

(Marwigo gives her the chemicals.)

 

Marwigo:  Careful.  They’re volatile.

 

Guidoni:  I’ve been cooking up cola for five millennia.  I think I know what I’m doing.  (She looks at the chemicals.)  Shouldn’t take me long – come back in an eon.

 

(Close-up of large clock.)

 

E.P. and Marwigo arrive.

 

E.P.:  Well? 

 

Marwigo:  We don’t have all day.

 

Guidoni:  I thought droids were supposed to be polite.

 

Marwigo:  Sorry.  But the matter is urgent.

 

Guidoni:  I cooked up the coke for you.  Have a taste.

 

E.P.  (tastes, spits it out)  It’s warm.  It’s salty.  It’s . . . great!  (Marwigo and he speed off, with Marwigo shouting, “Thanks”, over her shoulder).

 

They arrive at the theatre.

 

E.P.  All we have to do is find Captain Steve and let him know that we’ve got the goods and can welcome the new recruits in true SLYSS fashion.

 

Marwigo:  Sharks rule!

 

E.P.  Exactly.  We can set up the buffet in the Galantine Theatre.

 

(They enter the theatre.  Librarian Cardassian is sitting in the middle of the seats.)

 

LC:  At last!  I’ve been waiting for you for so long!

 

E.P.  Who are you?

 

Marwigo:  Where is Captain Steve?

 

LC:  (Laughing)  I am Captain Steve, now!  The universe is mine!

 

Marwigo:  What have you done with Captain Steve?

 

LC:  I have absorbed him into the Cardassian life force.  He is no more!  (He stands and Kringe emerges from the audience.)  And soon, you will join him.  Put down the cola, you republican dogs!

 

E.P.  Never! 

 

Marwigo and E.P. take out their weapons and attack – Marwigo chases Kringe out of the theatre.  E.P. and LC have an epic light sabre battle, which E.P. wins!

 

LC:  No!  My evil beauty cannot be defeated.

 

E.P.  No?  Watch this!  (He sprinkles a bit of the cola on LC!)

 

LC:  Oh no!  I’m melting!  I’m melting!  (Captain Steve emerges from the mess.)

 

Captain Steve:  Well, that was quite an . . . adventure.  Is my uniform stained?

 

E.P.  No, Captain Steve.  You look great.

 

(Marwigo enters.) 

 

Marwigo:  I have taken care of the evil henchman.

 

E.P.  And here is Captain Steve, safe and sound.

 

Marwigo:  We were worried about you, Captain Steve.

 

Captain Steve:  No need to worry, Droid.  Here at SLYSS, the good will always win in the end.

 

Robot 6600:  Xnard allop dromigda insternationaltion!

 

Marwigo:  They’re here?  Already?

 

Robot 6600:  Imperest!  Onputtafilchina!

 

Captain Steve:  Excellent.  Do we have the cola?  The doughnuts?

 

E.P.  We do, Captain Steve.

 

Marwigo:  (whispering)  Did we get the doughnuts, Ensign Pullover?

 

E.P.  (whispering)  SHH!

 

Captain Steve:  Welcome our new recruits!  Open the doors and let them in.  They will be given the keys to the kingdom as we were when we were recruits.

 

E.P.  So long ago, Captain Steve.

 

Captain Steve:  Together now!  Our rallying cry!  Care and respect!

 

E.P.  Care and respect!

 

Marwigo:  Care and respect!

 

Robot 6600:  Kindarkening ik roosenpilchet!

 

Captain Steve:  (laughing)  Well done, 6600!