Cast list:
Romauldo - Maria
Gabrielle - Tyler
Taylor Sinclair - Claire M.
HAL - Danny
Camera operator/crew member, name Vikki Sheering - Rinko
Watson - Nolan
Coralee - Juliet
Ryan - Nolan
Ashley - Claire C.
Will - Ralph
Emily - Wesley (who also plays himself in "Which Box?")
Alphonoso Noso (audience who calls out) - Anson, Gabriel, Juliet, Benson, Ralph, Claire C., Nolan,
"Which Box" cast
Host - Jeff
Mark/Chris - Juliet
Rupert - Gabriel
Tequila Mockingbird - Benson
Electrical connection singers - Tyler, Michelle, and the two Claires
All dates will also be in the audience!
Remember! There is no such thing as a small part, just small actors. Make the best of what you have and the show will be great!
Final Script for "The Love Connection"
Love Connection!
Music. Flashing
lights.
“Love Me Do” – presented by the Electrical Connection
singers.
Gabrielle Storm and Romauldo Carduzzio run out from opposite
sides of the stage, waving at the crowd.
(Crowd noises.) They wave happily
at the crowd.
Gabrielle: Hey
everybody! Welcome to the Love
Connection! Hi, Romauldo! How are you doing?
Romauldo: Just great,
Gabby! You?
Gabrielle: Great,
too. Hey, did I see you with a
love connection last night?
Romauldo: (coy) I don’t know, Gabby. Did you?
Gabrielle: Are you
blushing? Audience? Is he?
Audience: Yes! He is!
He’s blushing!
Gabrielle: Well,
folks. I saw this young fella HOLDING
HANDS WITH A LOVELY YOUNG WOMAN yesterday at the park. They had one bubble tea between them . . .
and not much else. No social distancing
there. (She wags her finger at him.)
Want to tell us more?
Romauldo: Well, not
too much more – don’t want to jinx things in these early days. We just met, and I am very interested
– she’s not just beautiful outside, Gabby.
She’s beautiful inside, too.
Gabrielle: Yeah, I
think you were close enough to examine her internal structure!
(Audience laughs.)
Romauldo: Well,
enough about me. Let’s get the show
started. Watson and Coralee went out on
a date on our dime last night – let’s hear about how that went.
Gabrielle: Come on
down, you two crazy kids!
Watson and Coralee come down the opposite aisles.
Gabrielle: Let’s give
them a hand, everybody. (The audience
claps.)
Watson leans over to kiss Coralee, but she rejects him.
Romauldo: Whoa! That’s not a very auspicious start. Coralee?
Coralee: He was a bit
of a disappointment, Romauldo.
Watson: What?
Coralee: He TOLD me
he was a college graduate, but the college he went to was advertised on his own
Youtube channel.
Watson: So?
Gabrielle:
Audience? What do you think of
that? (Mumbles from audience.)
Woman in audience:
Was it a real college?
Coralee: It was
called the College of School and offered degrees while you waited for your
pizza to bake. We went there for our
supposed gourmet dinner.
Man in audience: What
kind of pizza did you order?
Watson: Ham and
pineapple!
Man in audience:
Okay, you’re a loser.
Other woman in audience:
I LIKE pineapple on pizza.
Man in audience:
You’re an idiot.
Watson: In my
defence, I did get straight A’s.
Coralee: In
what? Anchovies?
Romauldo: Ouch! What do you say to that, Watson?
Watson: Well, I
didn’t think much of her either. All she
talked about was herself and her job – she wasn’t interested in me at all.
Coralee: My job is
interesting.
Gabrielle: What do
you do, Coralee?
Coralee: I’m an
astronaut.
(Audience hums with excitement.)
Coralee: And I’m
punting Watson to the moon.
(Wa-wa-waaa sound.
Watson and Coralee exit.)
Gabrielle: Well, that
date didn’t go as well as we had hoped, did it, audience?
Audience: NO!
Romauldo: Did
everyone in the audience fill out their love connection forms?
Audience: YES!
Gabrielle:
Great! Let’s get our beautiful
and talented Taylor Sinclair to collect the forms and feed them into the love
connection computer, Hal!
Audience: HAL! HAL!
HAL!
Taylor Sinclair: Ooo,
Hal, you’re so popular. I have the forms
in my hand and will now feed them into HAL’s algorithmic hopper
disgenerator. Here we go, HAL!
HAL: Taylor, I love
the way you cook up all these characters for me to analyze.
Taylor Sinclair: And
I love your digital processors!
Gabrielle: Okay, we
all know that Taylor and HAL have a special relationship, right?
Audience member:
Yeah, weird!
HAL: Shut up, stupid
humans.
Gabrielle: Okay, HAL,
let’s see how last week’s dates, Emily and Will, got along.
HAL: Will and Emily
will not get together.
Gabrielle: What?
HAL: Emily does not
like Will because of one small pet peeve.
JUST ONE . . . he chews with his mouth open.
Audience member:
That’s a big turnoff.
HAL: YOU STUPID
HUMANS!
(HAL transports himself into Gabrielle (how will we show
this?)
Romauldo: We hope you
are as excited as we are to see what Emily and Will thought of each other! (Audience cheers.)
Gabrielle: (in HAL’s
voice) Stupid humans.
Romauldo: What?
Gabrielle: (her own
voice) I hope they’re stupidly in love!
Come on down, Will and Emily!
(Audience cheers.
Will and Emily enter.)
Romauldo: So Will,
how did it go with Emily last night?
Will: I am absolutely
in love with her. I can see myself
spending a lot of time with her.
Gabrielle: And
Emily? How about you?
Emily: HE CHEWS WITH
HIS MOUTH OPEN! I can’t be with someone
like that.
Gabrielle: This
sounds like quite a catastrophic conundrum.
Will: Well, you know
what, Ms. Perfect, do you think I didn’t notice your mommy issues? Not everyone wants to be your mother, not the
waitresses, not me, not MY mom!
Emily: I am over
this. I can’t –
Will: Yeah, well, so
am I!
Romauldo: Well,
perhaps we’ll segue smoothly into our enormously popular “Which is the box?” segment
while we sort out this little glitch.
Music - (Samantha)
Host: Gooood evening ladies, gentlemen, and temporal anomalies. My
name is Host and welcome to “Which is the box!” The rules are simple. You pick
a box and take the prize behind! The choice is yours!
Now enough of me talking, please welcome our contestants!
*the contestants walk on to the stage in a single file line*
Host: The contestants are (when the contestant name is called out
the contestant raises their hand) Rupert! Chris! Mark! And Tequila mockingbird!
Great to have you guys here. Do you want a banana?
Chris: no
(Chris is shot by a member of the production crew (Rinko). Chris
is also Mark. After his death, Chris swiftly stands in the empty space where
Mark is with a fake glasses or something.)
Host: Let’s begin with Rupert! Let’s give a hand to rupert!
The clapping begins. It does not stop.
Host: Alright Rupert, above the sound of the audience clapping,
you must pick out a box! Which one?
Rupert: Rupert
Host: BOX 3!
The box opens, revealing a box.
Host: Your prize is a mysterious unmarked package I found outside
of my box yesterday!
Rupert: Rupert
(The audience claps. The sound of clapping is incessant but is
mysteriously quiet.)
Host: Let’s move on to Mark! Hello Mark, which box do you pick?
Mark: Box Number 4 please!
Crew member (Rinko) moves Box number 2 to the right side of box
number 3. There is no box number 4.
Host: Alright and let’s see what you get!
The box opens, revealing wesley yu to be standing on the other
side.
Host: Aww shucks, you get a bizarre incomprehensible eldritch
horror!
Mark: But I paid five thousand dollars to get on this show!
Host: That is your own personal problem.
Mark looks at the eldritch horror and dies. Crewmember (Rinko)
drags Mark off the stage
Host: NOW FOR TEQUILA MOCKINGBIRD GIVE THEM A HAND!
The audience does not clap. They are silent.
Tequila Mockingbird: Hi host, glad to be here.
Host: Glad to have you here tequila, please pick a box.
Tequila Mockingbird: Box One please.
Box one opens to reveal car seats.
Host: YOU WIN A BRAND NEW 2021 SUBARU OUTBACK!
Tequila Mockingbird: OH MY GOD!
Host: BUT THAT'S NOT ALL
TEQUILA MOCKINGBIRD: WHAT ELSE IS THERE?
Host: CHECK UNDER THE SEAT!
Tequila mockingbird reaches under the seat to reveal a sword
Host: THAT'S RIGHT YOU ALSO WIN THE SWORD OF EXCALIBUR. ALL OF
ENGLAND IS UNDER YOUR RULE
Tequila Mockingbird: OH MY GOD!
Host: BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! Look behind the car.
Tequila Mockingbird walks behind the car
Tequila Mockingbird: OH MY GOD
Host: What is it?
Tequila Mockingbird: IT’S A PORTAL TO HELL
Host: THAT'S RIGHT YOU HAVE JUST WON ENTRANCE TO BEYOND THIS
MORTAL COIL!
Tequila: OH MY GOD I FEEL THE WEIGHT OF MY SINS CRUSHING DOWN UPON
ME I AM BEING KNEADED INTO THE VERY FABRIC OF EXISTENCE. MY SINS BURDENED ME TO
AN ETERNITY OF NOT PAIN, BUT NOTHINGNESS. COMPLETE AND UTTER NOTHINGNESS.
Host: What else do you see?
Tequila: OH MY GOD
Host: WHAT IS IT
Tequila: IT’S FAMOUS ACTOR MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Host: THAT’S RIGHT HE WAS SENT TO HELL FOR BEING IN THE MOVIE
MAGIC MIKE (2012)
Tequila: THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING! I SHALL SEE YOU ON THE OTHER
SIDE!
Host: Godspeed Tequila, Godspeed.
A moment of silence.
Host: *Cheerfully* ANYWAYS AUDIENCE YOU HAVE BEEN AMAZING THANK
YOU FOR EVERYTHING, THAT IS ALL, GOODNIGHT.
“Which is the Box” theme music.
Romauldo: AAAND we’re
back! Gabrielle, um, where is Emily?
Gabrielle: I have no
idea. Maybe she’s dead . . . I mean,
dead tired from what happened on their date.
Crew member comes out.
Crew member: Emily .
. . has been killed!
Will: What? She was fine before the break.
Gabrielle: I don’t
know. You were pretty mad at her. Are you sure you did not do anything to her?
Crew member takes Will away.
Romauldo: Well, that
seems to lead directly into the Survivor segment of the show!
Audience member:
Finally!
LOVE CONNECTION - SURVIVAL
SPOTLIGHT SHINES ON GABRIELLE AND ROMAULDO ON A DARK STAGE. In the
live studio, Gabrielle and Romauldo are standing at the middle of the stage. A
serious mood.
ROMAULDO
Tonight,
our favourite couple will make a vote to decide on which other Survivor couple
they think should be booted off the island.
GABRIELLE
Now, we
will join back with our favourites, Ryan and Ashley, and their vote, which will
be the tie-breaker for tonight's decision. So far, it is one for Angus and
Demi, and one for Taylor and Jordan.
THE SPOTLIGHT FADES. A SPOTLIGHT NEAR STAGE LEFT SHINES. Ryan and
Ashley appear under the spotlight.
RYAN
(anguished)
So, we've
thought a lot about this decision, and even though we are close with both
couples, at the end of the day, we still have to vote someone off.
ASHLEY
I think
that this voting process has brought Ryan and I closer together because of how
difficult this is.
RYAN
(determined)
We decided
to make this impartial and vote without a bias.
ASHLEY
During the
fishing competition, I saw Demi and Angus arguing a lot, but they made up
afterwards. Like a lot. Like full on make out session. And I mean really just
going for it. I don't think I've ever seen that much tongu-
RYAN
Yeah,
Ashley, babe, I think they get it.
ASHLEY
Well,
anyways, when I think about Taylor and Jordan, I can just feel their chemistry.
Like when they were making a fire together, sparks flew.
RYAN
And
because of that, we sadly vote Angus and Demi off the island.
BACKGROUND LIGHT TURNS RED. Crowd gasps.
ALL LIGHTS TURN OFF. Confused mumbles fill the stage
and the audience.
RANDOM
PERSON
What's
going on?!
ALL LIGHTS TURN ON. Hal has taken over the stage and
the broadcasting. As Hal speaks, it begins to glitch with anger. Gabrielle
laughs evilly and then freezes. When HAL speaks, she mouths his words.
HAL
Stop it!
All of this! Stop it right now!
(points to
audience)
YOU! AND
YOU! AND YOU! You're all being lied to. LIES! LIES! All of it! There is no real
love. NO LOVE! And no one! NO ONE will leave this island! YOU WILL NEVER
LEAVE.
PLAY HAL'S CREEPY COMPUTER VOICE. Hal's
voice becomes mixed with a human voice and a scary robotic voice.
HAL
NO MORE
LOVE. NO MORE LIES. GOOD NIGHT, SURVIVORS.
Happy Game Show music plays!
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